My Staycation

Disclaimer:  I just read through this.  My intentions were not to sound so depressing, so I'll apologize right now for that.  I guess I had some things on my chest I needed to get off and it came flying as I hit the keyboard!

  I was so bummed I couldn't go with Byron and Wyatt to Oklahoma.   First of all, I was about to throw up that Wyatt was leaving me for 6 days.  2nd of all, all my other family members were going out of town that week too.  I usually like being alone, but I was just too hormonal to handle it all, and started to cry when I dropped off my boys at the airport.  I purposely wore my sunglasses so Wyatt wouldn't see the tears.  I didn't want him to see me upset.  Despite my loneliness, I planned ahead and did my best to make this week a "Staycation" for myself and it worked out quite well.  I had lunch dates with good friends, and took naps with no guilt.  I read books about celebrities and the messes they are, and I took my dogs and my baby for walks.  I ate Chinese food with KB, and realized he has no idea how to burp a baby.  I'm happy to have had this week with Carter.  I learned what certain cries mean and developed a good nighttime feeding routine. 

It was a good week, and I'm grateful for it, but now I can feel the Summertime blues kicking in.  I want to go on a vacation somewhere, but with money being so tight right now and medical bills to pay, we have to be really careful.  We can't just go book a hotel somewhere and eat out every night.  The frustrating thing is, I just want to go somewhere where I don't have to be polite to the people around me just because they are letting me stay at their house.  Not that I would be rude to my maid or the concierge, mind you.  But there is a lot of pressure when you are a house guest.  Even when I stay with my parents in their vacation home in Utah.  You place pressure on yourself to make sure that you are always helping with dinner, or feeling bad if your clothes have exploded all over the room.  One time when I stayed with my brother in laws in California, they had a Internet guy coming to look at the computer...in the guest room.  Not that I am a messy person, but I literally threw everything...suitcases, beach towels, pillows, into the bathroom and shut the door.  Then I begged my brother in law to just not open the bathroom door while the Internet guy was there, for fear that #1 my underwear would be seen, and #2 it would all come falling out, like a wave of dirty clothes.  Then there is this business of having to travel with a baby again.  Oye!  Just the thought of staying at my brother in laws, who do not have a microwave, and trying to figure out how in the world am I going to heat up Carter's bottles.  And how fast can I get up at Carter's 2 AM feeding with him screaming bloody murder and waking everyone up?  Have I mentioned that Carter is pissed off ALL the time, except when he is asleep?  ALL the TIME!!!!!!!  I think he has a chip on his shoulder about the NICU thing.  A pissed off baby is not fun to travel with either.

I believe the real reason for my Summertime blues is I feel this precious time slipping away from me.  Wyatt will be going to Kindergarten this Fall, and I will never ever get this time back, and it makes me scared and so very sad.  I won't be able to jet off to Disneyland anymore like we used to, because there will be school.  As the boat just sits in the garage, I grow sad because soon it will be too cold, and we won't be able to take it out.  I feel trapped in this house by future obligations, big upcoming changes, lack of money, and a lack of interest.